I was a pretty independent kid growing up. It just happens that way when you are raised in an addict household. I learned to fend for myself in the material realm, but emotionally it was a different story. I was probably one of the more insecure and fearful persons you would have ever met. When I made a friend, I guarded the relationship jealously, and resented anything that would interfere. I personalized every slight and careless remark, believing that the intent was always to injure me and cause harm. This intensified my fear and defensiveness. No amount of truth, or confrontation really changed my behavior, until one day everything was ripped away from me. I stood nearly alone, with no one but God looking me in the eye. The red, tear-swollen, puffy eye. I felt Him basically telling me it was time to decide to either continue on they way I had been, because, y’know, that had been working so well. Or, I could admit my wretched powerlessness and become cleansed in the flood of recovery. To work each step, and find out who I really was, and what real life and living was all about.
See, the funny thing is, I have found that the smarter you think you are, educated, whatever, the harder it can be to find recovery. It’s like the parable of the rich man and the kingdom of God. Matthew 19: 20 says “I’ll say it again–it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich person to enter the Kingdom of God!” I relate to that in the sense that some folks are just too smart for their own good and have a hard time accepting recovery principles. Because we should be able to figure this out, right? No. Otherwise we would have by now because very few people will consciously choose to remain as miserable as you are the day before you start step 1. It’s where I stand, with nothing but my hurt and my heart in my hand, asking God WHY?
God uses recovery and the steps to teach me that it’s not the why that is important, it’s the what now? That’s where true independence is found. True wisdom. True love and healing. It is why I keep writing this blog, why I am devoted to talking about recovery as much as possible. It’s the golden ticket; the way to abundant life to all who would embrace it.
Much love to all tonight.