Today the rain held off a bit, and I was able to run about getting some things accomplished.
From our earliest beginnings, we are taught to love and trust our families, friends, those who care for us and others that are important in our lives. We are also instructed to respect our elders. Sometimes this is natural and easy, and sometimes not so much. I had a baby doll that I poured my love into, because the adults in my life were not secure places to place my love and trust. I did become very good at feigning respect and trust.
When I became too old for the baby doll, food and certain television programs became my constant comfort and friends. It didn’t matter how often we moved (and we moved A LOT) but I could always lean on these old friends. As I grew older into my teen years, I branched out and began to look for boys to fill this void. I threw my love at them like a 50# wet sleeping bag, as if to capture and trap my prey and to keep their love captive. Trust and respect were nowhere to be found. Me in a relationship during this time looked much like Gollum in LOTR…grasping and selfish.
As a young adult, I graduated into full-on codependency and drove a stake through the wants and needs of my own heart to satisfy someone else in the vain hope that it would cause love and respect to take root and bloom. Alas, the ground in which I planted was a thin layer of topsoil over a toxic waste area, and soon I became nearly as toxic as the ground on which I stood, and had placed my hopes upon.
Finally, once scrubbed mostly clean and set upon a good path, I again moved forward into more relationships, with varying degrees of failure and success. With each, I became more aware that, while love in all it’s energetic and dramatic passions is easy and comes very naturally, trust and respect are a lot harder to come by. Any human (and some dogs by scientific account) can express love, but trust and respect must be earned. And if lost, it is not easily reestablished.
Nowadays, I find love fading in its general appeal in favor of trust and respect. I have found trust and respect are actually the pillars on which a secure love is built.
But, I also know from experience that others will betray my trust and that love in this broken world is imperfect because it comes from people who are like me; afflicted with sin from day one. As am I. Gratefully, I have accepted the saving work of Christ in my life. We who are called in His name, will have our success’ and failures. It’s what we do next that matters.
That is why I continue to work my program diligently, and practice step 11. (see below)
Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God, praying only for knowledge of God’s will for us and the power to carry that out.
This keeps me grounded in the fact that I don’t need to desperately chase after others for love, trust and respect. God has a will for me. He is at work in me to do His will if I am willing. In other words, it’s not all about me.
Have a lovely weekend my friends. Much love.