Cool but dry today, and I have a lovely unplanned day ahead of me. Oh, not that I can’t quickly fill it with all sorts of tasks, but I am right now relishing its emptiness. And my espresso shot with a dash of fat-free half and half.
As I woke up this morning, I wondered for a moment why I didn’t have any of those “perfect” relationships that I have heard others talk about. You know, the ones your friends or those you know say “My mom or my spouse is my best friend, we never fight, I trust them completely and it’s always been so wonderful…” meanwhile, on the inside, you are thinking to yourself one of two things. One, this person is seriously deluded about their relationship with so and so, because there is no such thing as anything that perfect and wonderful. Or, two, what am I doing wrong, that I don’t have any relationships in my life that look like this? Or possibly a mixture of both, with a little envy for this way-too-happy person thrown in.
I have been there and still wrestle with this beast in my recovery. I cry out to God, asking Him why every important relationship in my life has had some huge, gaping nasty wound in it? Am I the common denominator? Am I incapable of healthy relationships? Or do I just attract dysfunctional, crazy, broken people? When I am feeling really upset and emotional, I make way too much noise to hear the answer. God lets me cry it out. And when I am yielded and still, the answer starts to jell.
Without a broken mom in my life, I would never have learned self-reliance in how to make my way in a difficult world, and it spurred me toward reaching out to God for reliance on Him to guard my heart and soul, as I struggled to learn these lessons. And with each spouse or intimate friend, it was my choice to continue the relationship, and God used the time, as I was willing, to bring forth the fruit of patience, mercy, grace and, most importantly for me, recovery.
The lesson that I continue to learn in my most important relationships, is that God wants my dependence on Him and what he has for me, and what He wants me to do with the balance of my life, not to be dependent on a “perfect” relationship or person in this world. I can make good decisions, have strong boundaries and work my program with respect to relationships, but if I keep the proper focus where it needs to be, I will steer away from the envious pity pot of “why me/poor me.”
Much to do, let get with it, shall we? Much love and hugs my dear ones. So glad you are here.