Looking back over the progress I’ve made in my recovery journey, it can sometimes seem like it was someone else’s life that I am looking back on. That is how profoundly different I am on the inside now.
I used to be really afraid. Yes, I was afraid of what you might think of me, but even worse, I was afraid of what I thought of me. Who would I be without it? Sound weird? Or familiar?
Let’s pull that apart. When I was back in my crap…before I began embracing the steps and principles of recovery, I hid out underneath a blanket of shame and fear. I told myself and others who asked that the blanket was there for protection, for mine and other people, because I wasn’t certain I could trust what would happen if the blanket was torn away. I certainly wouldn’t be giving it up voluntarily. Much like the fig leafs that Adam and Eve wore in Genesis, I falsely believed it hid the failings, sins and brokenness that I continued to carry, unable to release or surrender to God’s care and control. Besides, under the blanket, who needed to worry or know about it? I was in my little comfort zone, toxic as it was. And like anything unwashed and unregenerate, it was slowly eating me alive.
I can see it in retrospect of course, but in the middle of the mess, well, God sometimes has to slam something hard to rattle the hinges and get our attention. He certainly does in my case. And thus started my journey out from under the blanket and into the light. The blanket finally burned up and the ashes scattered, but there always is a pull to huddle in my comfort zone. To feel as though I have peeled and exposed enough truth, enough raw skin.
But if I stop, if I stand still long enough, growth will slow to a halt and I will hunker down, getting comfortable, inviting the possibility of toxicity to take up residence once again.
So, I must continue on. Some days this is easier that others, especially when I am feeling dry and wispy. With a deep breath and God’s unchanging Spirit upon me, I step forward. In faith, trusting He will make all things right, if I surrender to His will in my life.
Much love always,