Fresh Start

Attraction. Excitement. Fun. All the things we enjoy about meeting someone and being in a relationship with them, especially that special someone. We date, spend time together and then a commitment is made. Years pass and the shine wears off, or at least it did in my case.

I have been married twice. And I mean to make it only twice. Because it’s been dramatic enough for 2 lifetimes. With my first marriage, I was young and made a ton of mistakes and errors in judgement. I was also very broken and had no support, so the fact that it lasted as long as it did was a testament to my obstinance alone.

My second go ‘round should have been more thought-filled. But truth be told, I just pretty much forged ahead and went for it with a nice person and wound up in a confusing situation, made yet more poor choices, well, you know the drill. This time, instead of divorce, I ended up, actually we ended up in recovery, so that was a great thing and led to a whole new start, a fresh start, which was sorely needed if we were to continue.

However, if I am to be plain and honest, I always held a chip back. Y’know, like a poker player who bets all the chips on the table, but keeps one in his pocket “just in case” he gets cleaned out?  In recovery circles this is called a reservation. I found this out after spending a week fasting with our church and seeking a deeper relationship with God. I thought God would just show Himself to me in new and exciting ways. Instead, He pulled up the back of my shirt to reveal the chip in my back pocket. He asked “what is this?”. And I said “This? This is in case he hurts me bad again. In case he stomps my heart into pieces.”.  God smiled, shook His head. He then said “Well, then you’re not trusting Me. You’re trusting in your chip, in controlling the situation by trying to hold back.”

He was, of course, right. In doing so, I was cheating our relationship out of the best it could be. I couldn’t be completely honest with my husband, because a part of me would never be his; the way it was supposed to be. I could not admit to my husband that I needed him. God yes, people, no.

But God called my bluff.

So, I ‘fessed up to my husband. I gave my chip up, and explained that I do need him. He smiled, somewhat surprised and said he needed me too. And truly we need each other. And, like legos, we snapped closer and tighter together than ever.

So grateful for God’s loving hand, and for the ears to hear.

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