Well, this morning on my way to have my weekly breakfast out and quiet time, God decided to do a little business with me. His favorite thing these days is to bring a piece of music on the radio and use each note like an arrow into my heart, lancing the grief blister that I keep well-covered over with packing and newsprint consisting of chocolates, media and a little light gossip.
This morning however, these things were absent, and I was quietly listing to music in the car that brought me back to a December morning over 30 years ago. I could still remember the smell of baby powder, cat food, oatmeal and hear the shouts of toddlers and preschoolers getting ready for church.
Pulling on tights over diapers, hoping there would be no blowout before we could get to the church building, the cute red plaid dresses trimmed with velvet ribbon, fighting with them to comb their hair, herding everyone to the car, and into cold car seats.
I found the tears beginning to spill down my face as I pulled up to the coffee drive-thru to order up my protein egg bites and half-caf. Gulping out my order into the speaker, pulling forward and grabbing my food at the window, I made my way toward home, sobbing, as I realized those years had slipped away so quickly, yet at the time it felt like I was stuck in that space forever. What I did not realize, could not realize, is that change was in motion.
I had never taken time out, though, to grieve for the fact that during those years I was so consumed with trying to survive the dysfunction that existed in my martial relationship that I did not get to enjoy my children. Not really. I missed so much. And I cannot go back and live even 1 minute of it over again. But God says that I am healed, and that now is the time of processing these feelings of loss and walking through the grief so I can then turn around and be fit for service.
I am grateful today for my recovery, and the belief that God did not love me any less then than He loves me now, but that I am now ready and willing to let Him continue my healing. I love how He leads me gently, in love and grace.
Thank you Lord Jesus. Much Love.