Doing the hard work lately. Y’know, the dig-deeper stuff that causes a bit of commotion and disruption. The kind of work where you are looking at some of your past experiences in light of your recovered self, and realizing how broken you really are, and feeling the grief right down to your molars.
Yup. That’s where I’m at.
Been going through a good study in boundaries, where the author goes into detail about early family life and childhood bonding. This really started striking some chords with me. I have dealt honestly with the chaos and dysfunction of my early years and no resentments remain, however I still have grief. Deep grief. And it pops out from time to time, bringing tears and sorrow for my small and defenseless self with it.
Recovery has taught me that this is not a bad thing. Sure, it is not fun, nor is it convenient or comfortable. But in order to be healthy, I have to allow my emotions to flow, in safe places, with safe people, even if I feel a little embarrassed or annoyed by them. Why do I feel annoyed? Well, after 52 years, you would think I would be over it, whatever “it” is, but, the simple and complicated truth is, I’m not. I have honestly done the work I’ve needed to do, addressed my part, which includes my adult level behaviors and choices that link back to my childhood experiences, and made my amends. But I cannot simply bundle up my grief and toss it into the recycling bin, to be carried away and forgotten about. It likes to come for a visit every now and again, and if I try to ignore or quench it, I begin to see dysfunction start affecting my daily life.
Grief can feel draining however, and part of me wants to turn away from it, because I have so many other responsibilities in my life that need tending. But God uses this grief to get my attention, to remind me that sometimes I need to stop, and allow Him to have others pour back into me so that I can continue to be used, and to be useful. As the tears flow out of my deep well of grief, God provides loving, safe people in my life to shelter and comfort me. I experience another small bit of healing and additional scar tissue is formed over the well-concealed wounds I bear from so long ago and I now have the strength to step forward.
Whatever our wounds, we can be sure of this, God is with us, His Rod and His Staff they comfort us. And we can rest in His promise; we will find refreshment and strength for each new day.
Much Love, always.