This entry has rolled around in my mind for awhile now. I have been struggling through a nasty cold for several days, so I had to let it rest on the back shelf, not wanting to write though a cold-medicine stupor. On this quiet Sunday morning, I feel reasonably well enough to cogitate and pull the thoughts together for an entry…I think!
Since I was little, I have really fought against the need for those around me to accept and to like me (including my parents), going so far as to parrot things I didn’t believe, and hurt people that didn’t deserve it. Well, no one deserves to be hurt, but, you get the picture. I would become a chameleon, changing color and shape depending where I was, and to obtain your approval, I would lose myself completely in becoming something else entirely.
However, my root characteristics and emotions were still there, just buried deep below the surface. I didn’t usually share how I really thought or felt unless it was for dramatic effect, or I was on “the pity-pot tour” having exhausted my other usual dysfunctional mechanisms.
This created layer upon layer of resentment. It caused so much anger and rage to be built up in my heart that there would be times it would burst forth, like a flash-flood. No warning, and no containment. It was epic. And I learned to fear these episodes so much I pushed the anger down even further or made light of it in humorous ways, telling self-deprecating stories that would slightly release some of the pressure.
Now, in looking back in my recovery work, I can see this had a particularly damaging effect on my family relationships. Because of my inability to process emotion in acceptable ways, I shut down as a coping mechanism. I also suffered from undealt-with burdens from being the child of an addict parent. This caused hurt and pain in my relationships. Making amends is fine, but there is wreckage as we in recovery can all attest to. And our scars, along with the wreckage can make moving forward difficult at times.
I can only do the best I can for today and accept that I will not be able to explain or contextualize the past so that those I hurt can process it; that is their journey to make when they are ready to do so, I cannot disrespect God’s plan for their healing and His timing. It is not about alleviating my suffering, possibly at their expense.
And so, as much as it can sometimes hurt, I will continue to place one foot in front of the other, living the best I can today, and understanding that God remembers my sins/transgressions no more. That ”It is enough, just for today” .