Been kind of wondering where my head is at of late. Ever been there? Where, you are not in a bad space, but not super-wow…just… eh.
So, just been in prayer and meditation over the feeling that I’ve been having, and I believe I have been in a slosh-slosh-slosh period. That’s when you are plodding along in a bog, and you hear the water go slosh around your boots, and it reassures you that you are making progress, but your eyes look ahead, and you don’t see where you’ve traveled very far at all. Yup. There I am, with my boots on in a bog.
But there is much to be gained here. My heart and my spirit can rest and grow. My mind has time to work on things, and to reach out to others for problem-solving. There is no great crisis to solve, nor am I overwhelmed with giddiness, so distractions are few. As such, some of the growth has been a bit exhausting, like getting your boot stuck in a mud pocket.
One thing brought to my attention was a pride issue. So NOT comfortable, as my boot sank into the mud. I was bullied a lot as a kid. My family moved around quite a bit, and I often found myself being the “new kid”, with several return trips back to my grandma’s house and the school near her house thrown in, where I was bullied mercilessly. This made growing up challenging and I had few friends.
Fast-forward into today and my recovery circle. Lately, I had myself experiencing hurt when invitations weren’t made for gatherings, or I in some way was left out of something that I felt I should have been a part of. It then dawned on me that I had been trying to “fix” the hurts from long ago by using my recovery family in an unhealthy way to replace the people and things that were absent from my early, pre-recovery years. I was gripping people tightly, and this was causing me pain. God turned the bright light on it, and I had a choice to make, acknowledge it and deal with it, or run away with my eyes closed tight and my fingers in my ears.
I decided to take an entire “mental health day” to dig in and do a personal inventory. I spoke with my sponsor, and felt myself getting back on the right track. The boot pulled out of the mud, and I heard the familiar slosh-slosh of forward motion once again.
Grateful this morning for growth and pushing forward, even if it is slow-going, it is still going forward.
Much love to you all.