My health has been an issue for some time. I have struggled with debilitating headaches that have partially collapsed my world. I did seek treatment, and it was working well, until I developed a negative reaction to a portion of the treatment. Now, with it’s general efficacy diminished, I am back to struggling to manage my life. It really is no fun.
That, along with the frustration of my work life, has left little desire to write. I don’t want to just spew out pain and frustration, however my life right now has a hefty portion of it in it.
Thankfully, my recovery is intact. My tools are there, because when faced with interpersonal challenges, I am able to pull out the tools of self-care, boundaries and clear, direct communication to clear up issues as they arise. I am least successful at doing this at work, due to the fact I am a tele-worker (virtual) and cannot often speak to the issues that need resolving due to the inherent limitations of remote employment. It is here I must use steps 1,2, and 3. I can’t, God can, I think I’ll let him.
And it is just for today. I renew this commitment to surrender of the situation on a daily basis, sometimes moment to moment, otherwise I become angry, resentful and ready to box up my stuff and send it back where it came from with a note saying “Best of luck”.
But making any decision about my present or future out of anger or other strong emotion is to turn away from my recovery program and to act out. To take control from God’s hands and to declare my preeminence in the situation. The result is I am left standing with pieces of my poor choices in my hands, asking God to reassemble what I impulsively dashed to the ground.
Sometime God will step in and move to pull things back to shape, and other times, we must endure the consequences of our willfulness. I have had many lessons in the willfulness endurance category. So, if given the opportunity, I now choose that “Your will, not mine” be done today. It’s easier and leaves less of a mess later on.
Much love as we seek to move away from willfulness and the wreckage it causes and into willingness.