So, because a part of recovery is releasing expectations, I will no longer apologize for my somewhat sporadic posting. My posts appear when they will and that is really between God and I. My brain is just flat tired. I have been working overtime for over a week, and it’s just fried my circuits a bit.
We (He and your blogger) have been working on willingness and my general feelings of meh. My history has been that I jump from one crisis to another. I usually am very focused on my recovery and the crisis; I seem to multi-task well. However, when the crisis subsides, and life “takes a breather” I don’t quite know what to do with myself. I feel like a parent who is without the kids for a night, who had all these plans of what I would do if I ever had a moment and now can’t think of a single thing, so just drives around aimlessly. I kinda feel like that. Like the Bob Dylan song…”there’s no reason to go up, there’s no reason to go down, there’s no reason to go…anywhere”.
So, I just sit here, looking around, waiting for the next crises. I used to hop onto other people’s crises when I didn’t have one going of my own, but since I have experienced recovery in codependency, that is no longer an option. Instead, I am prompted that God is looking to use this time to grow discipline and patience in me. These are 2 things that are sorely lacking, especially discipline. As a child, it seemed I lived either in too much discipline or not enough. So as an adult, I have no idea how to balance my life with respect to this.
Lord God, help me just do the next right thing. Even if that’s the only thing I do, help me be good with that for now.