The last several days have been hectic, and I have felt like I haven’t had the time and space to sit a spell and write out what has been passing through on my recovery journey. I am pretty convicted about it too. But I must also remember this is a grace-filled walk and that grace must extend to myself as well. And yes, today’s entry says chicken and there are pictures of ducks…more grace please! 😉
Of late, I have been considering the role of parents. Now, if you are not a parent, stick with me, because it may be that you have played an important role in the life of a young person (parenting) and certainly we ALL had parents. With that in mind, I reflect on my own role as a parent. I can honestly say I was not the best parent, but not the worst either. I did what I could with what I had, and considering my background and pre-recovery state, sometimes I am amazed we came out as well as we did.
When I entered recovery, my children were young adults, making their own decisions and I was trying to piece my life back together. I eventually made my amends for the poor decisions made that affected them, and we have moved on. What has been more of a challenge within recovery is to watch newcomers or people that may have been coming to meetings for years discuss decisions that they are currently making that place their children at the bottom of their consideration.
Being that I am the adult child of an addict, I engaged in pre-recovery behavior like this without knowing any better. When I hear this kind of talk, it takes every ounce of God-given serenity not to pipe up with my opinion on the subject, or some other judgement. I must remind myself I am not here to judge. And unless I hear of imminent harm or peril, all I can do is encourage better choices. God is having to work with me here on this part of my recovery because it definitely triggers my family of origin stuff.
Somedays, I know I am not strong enough to keep a lid on it, and I place my boundaries in such a way that I won’t encounter this challenge. It sounds chicken. But really, it’s about knowing when I have the resources to respond appropriately, and when I am just too close to the surface and will spout off with my emotions spilling all over. That is not the recipient’s problem, it is mine, so I own it completely.
Recovery is a journey, a process and I am grateful every day the lessons that it teaches me. I know I am not where I want to be, but I am a long way from where I was. So very thankful.
Glad you’re here, much love.