Spent some time today studying step 10, where we are directed to take a daily inventory, and to keep our side of the street clean. This is often called one of the maintenance steps of recovery. Here we act with vigilance to keep things cleaned up. Because this is not a “one and done” program.
In the reading I did today, I was challenged on my ongoing character defect of just defaulting to feeling blue and kind of less than stellar, and needing to share this “loveliness” with anyone who will listen. I must examine my motive when sharing negative feelings. Is it because I am truly struggling and need feedback on something? Or because it is habitual from my past, in order to gain sympathy and attention?
Two things here for me to look at: making an overall feeling of “meh” a way of life. And second, the need to ask others to either join in or feel sorry for me. My affect of meh comes and goes. Mostly, it comes and stays, and relates to my circumstances. I too easily allow small things to toss my ship about, and when I get upset enough, I look to change it up, such as my recent attempt to sell our house and move. Not to say that it won’t happen at some point, but God put the brakes on that because he wanted to remind me of a recovery principle I had heard often: when we are disturbed no matter what the cause, there is something wrong with us. This directs me to dig into my program, versus engaging in manic environmental control, which begins to sound a lot like my control-obsessed, pre-recovery self.
So, what then? I need to slow down and take it easy. Breathe. Look at what’s been upsetting me, and follow the trigger. Once discovered, action must happen, and quickly. Otherwise the meh will continue and worsen into depression.
Second, in this funk, I feel a bit isolated, and upset. This of course is no fun, and if there’s one thing misery loves, it’s company. So, I will package my sad little tale into an entertaining yarn, designed to pull you in to the gray and blue rooms of my world. There, we can chat quietly, and perhaps have a few laughs, at my expense if necessary. This is an old, time -worn pathway for me. The problem is, it does nothing to get me out and into healing. If your boundaries are intact, you enact self-preservation mode and keep your interactions with me short and directed. If not, it could serve to drag you into a mucky place.
That’s why it is so critical to address these things daily. Otherwise we run the risk of slipping into unhealthy habits, and alienating others, or worse, becoming a stumbling block to them. We act in love and responsibility when we step up and recognize the fact that our stuff needs work and it won’t be easy, but it won’t get done by wishing and hoping either.
Much to consider and get cracking on. Love you all. ❤