Stepping out of the haze…

Well, the migraine is lifting, like a heavy fog, and I am once again wandering about in the land of the living. I can operate in a migraine haze, but it tends to look a bit like someone who just woke up after a trans-Atlantic flight with jet lag and the flu. I don’t make a lot of sense and I am a bit emotional and on what I call the ragged edge.

Such was the case in meeting recently with a sponsee. I spilled forth my humanity and my emotions like Niagara falls and ended up apologizing multiple times for my lack of objectivity and discipline. I came home feeling wrecked, and called my own sponsor, pouring out yet more of my emotional baggage. After listening carefully, she reassured me that I am human, that I didn’t “mess up” and that I was under a bit of duress considering my present physical situation. We also talked about strategies in dealing with the sponsee/sponsor relationship and ways to keep it healthy. She was concerned that I keep my own recovery a priority and not allow the circumstances of others to cause me to become overwrought. Of course she was right, and I needed to hear it. Desperately.

And even better, I knew my recovery was still functioning, because when I felt wobbly, I pulled the cord that said “help”. I didn’t minimize or try and talk myself out of seeking out someone safe to speak into my swirling emotional slurry.  I was honest with my sponsor about where I was, and listened carefully for her perspective so I could look for the pieces that would be most applicable, and also take comfort in her care for me as someone who has seen me at my worst, and can remind me that I am so much further than where I was.

That night, I went to bed with peace in my heart, because I allowed God to use the process to speak peace into me. I followed the steps and I was yielded to what God would do in the situation and not try to hold onto self recrimination. I also have a plan in talking to my sponsee about my dramatic behavior as an amends may be in order.

So very grateful for the loving care of my recovery family. Much love and hugs to you all.

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