We all talk about it. Incessantly. As though it should be second nature to those who are moral, upstanding citizens. And if we are in close relationships with others, we expect nothing less, 24 hours a day, seven days a week, 365 days a year.
That’s a lot of truth.
I can share with you from personal experience, that complete, no holds-barred, uncensored honesty is probably not our best approach in recovery with those we love. Bear with me here for just a moment.
When I was deep in my codependency, I bartered the truth like a commodity. It’s not that I lied, because I’m not good at telling them or keeping them up. But I can withhold information for a period of time to then slam it down for maximum effect. Or, perhaps twist the truth just slightly to pull the situation one way or another to my benefit. It was easy and I did it a lot. I was also pretty nosy about other people’s business, because information was a tradeable resource. It could be used to manipulate something on down the road if necessary. So, yes, my dysfunctional struggle was intense and I continue to peel the onion.
That means that it is sometimes difficult for me to not know everything that is going on around me, with people who are close to me. But everyone deserves and needs interior space. Just because I am married or have a child, does not mean I am entitled to their every thought and feeling, for them to share every memory and experience.
Early on in the process, my spouse did share some early experiences that were beyond painful to hear. These were things that likely should have been shared with a sponsor or trusted accountability partner. The burden of hearing these things was intense, and took a long time to process how I felt about a number of things afterward. Certainly, there should be no secrecy, but gritty details are sometimes better left to a fourth step.
Rather than an exact accounting to our loved ones, are we walking in honesty? That is, when we say we are going to do something, do we carry it out? Are we completing our inventory with our sponsor, and sharing that which is necessary as an amends with those we love? This may take some conversations with our sponsor or our recovery circle. That’s why we do not go it alone. We do not do amends without a sponsor, and we don’t recover without a fellowship.
Yup, I know we dug a little deep tonight, but sometimes we gotta.
Love you guys. 💗