Took my afternoon fitness walk today, and my brain began its mull of some things that have been a bother of late. Sometimes, try as we may, close relationships will fall apart and it will leave us with painful questions.
Because of all the upheaval in my young life, I did not sink deep roots in anywhere, and it is difficult to establish a relationship with anyone these days due to ongoing trust issues. But I work my recovery and trust in God to help me discern and walk through these things.
Even at that, there are times I find myself at a loss. I discover that a friendship is gone or significantly changes due to circumstances outside my control. I will roll things around in my head for days, weeks, months even, trying to replay every possible scenario and where it all went south. Then I wonder how I can trust my judgement in entering into new relationships with people, considering my track record.
All of this feels like being a pony at the fair, you know, the ones that are bridled and saddled, hooked into the metal carousel for children to ride? I go ‘round and round, hearing the child on the “saddle” asking “why? how?” And other assorted unanswerable questions as I hear the clink of the hooks against my bridal and my feet steadily plodding around and around. But, if I am able to use the tools of recovery to submit my need to know the why and how, I can then bask in the serene knowledge that what is past is past, and God has it in His hand. Pretty soon, I no longer hear the demanding question or the clink of the bit. A bit further I can release these hurts and fears, and find myself in a lovely green meadow, far from the carousel and the circus. There, He walks with me and I am comforted, and I have the strength to stand strong again, fit for His purpose and service.
Thank you Lord Jesus for your love, even when we don’t feel very love-able.