I remember as a little kid wanting so bad to grow up so that I could be in charge. I wanted to be the one to say what was for dinner, or go out to dinner every night if that’s how I felt. I didn’t like the feeling of helplessness as a child, yet I can recall thinking to myself when things were going well, that I should really try hard to enjoy and remember these precious times.
Every once in a while, while I was trying to survive my chaotic growing up years, I would find a friend. A true friend, who would try and hang on for the ride for a bit. These people are little sparkly gems in my memory. They each have a distinct place in my story.
One of my very good friends was so intelligent and bright, he always challenged my thinking on any subject. We remained friends though the years. I developed quite the crush on him in high school, he was unable to break the news to me until we were grown that I would never be his cup of tea. Losing him to AIDS was a heart-wrenching episode for me, and I miss his snappy intellect and loyal friendship.
Another one of my friends in childhood I met briefly, and then reestablished ,once we both found ourselves trying to raise children and not latch onto a man simply because it would be easier than trying to make it on our own. We encouraged each other through the lean years of food coupons and sharing bulk shopping lists. Even watching out for each other when we ventured out into the singles scene looking for harmless fun. We always left together, even when there may be temptation to do otherwise. It was a deal, besides, who would we share the burgers, fries and milkshakes with at 2 am, rehashing the night with?
And even though my friendships have a bit of a different look to them these days, they do so because my life is different and that’s okay. But I can still get together with, and enjoy folks that I’ve known for a long time and the fellowship they bring. These relationships are like a warm blanket of love and nostalgia with a little silliness and fun mixed in.
The steps tell us to evaluate our relationships, not dump all of them except people we meet in recovery. If you had slippery people in your life, then that may need a second thought or a discussion with your sponsor with respect to the wisdom of hanging out.
But not everyone in our pre-recovery life was part of our train-wreck. Sometimes it can seem like it though, because as we enter recovery, we start to talk differently and see things differently. Those we still have in our lives that aren’t in it with us, tend to feel like a shoe that doesn’t quite fit. Or, like your favorite jeans that got washed in HOT and put in the dryer for an hour. Just not very comfortable. So, we toss them in a corner and go on with our new recovery life.
Let’s hold that thought…I have been guilty of this on all counts. I make this entry part of my amends. I am also determined to pay a little more attention where my relationships are concerned. I will be seeking for God to soften my heart and cause me to be a little more sensitive to the relationships in my life that need a bit more tending.
Hmmm, I think I know of some folks that I need to call. Or text. Texting is good, right?
Much love and big hugs!