Quiet honor, love and respect

This week started out pretty tame. Mellow even. Then late Monday it became unhinged with respect to my schedule and it has picked up steam from there. Now, I love to be involved in life and keep busy, but when I don’t hardly have time to catch a breath or know what day it is, then I can become a little rattled.

But last night, I got a special treat. Let me give you a little background on this first, so you’ll know why I am so grateful and smiley, even on a crazy week.

Back when I first got married to my present spouse, I took what he said for what it was, and thought little more about it. He thought even less about it, and we lived for almost 2 decades with an alternative backstory. There’s an old cliché that says “How can you tell an addict is lying? His lips are moving.” He wasn’t in recovery, and neither was I. He was incredibly broken, and hiding it well, and so was I. Needless to say, our relationship was a powder keg, waiting to go. And the spark came and blew the whole thing to smithereens. I mean, there were only splinters left of the old structure. So we had two choices.

Stay, or go.

For several months, the decision hung in limbo. I worked my recovery hard. I ignored him and the relationship wreckage that I was not able to deal with. And I began to find who I was. Regardless of who I had or didn’t have in my life. He did the same. Eventually, we drew back together, building something different. Not without problems, bumps and issues, but now with tools and friends to help with the process. It has been horribly difficult on one hand, and incredibly blessed on the other.

So, to get back to last night. We were chatting with friends, and I began to speak on recovery, something naturally I am very passionate about. I sometimes feel like I am going to burst into tears because I am so moved by the fire that is inside about what I have been charged with. And as I wrapped up my comments, I noticed my husband had just quietly sat there, with a half-smile on his face, and said nothing.

The reason this is remarkable, is that all throughout our old life, he would always be the star of any conversation, any topic and made sure to monopolize the room. I always felt like he did this because he looked at me as inferior in my ability to communicate, or because he didn’t consider me at all. Whatever the reason, it tended to drive me further into my shell and I would retreat away from gatherings that included him so as to not feel so uncomfortable. But last night felt like a breakthrough. I felt honored. Loved. Respected.

I am grateful for these moments, because relationships are hard, and they feel sometimes like you are getting nowhere fast. The bible even says that it is better to live alone in peace than with others in strife. So I will cherish each lovely moment I get, and do my best not to take for granted even one.

Much love and so happy you are here.

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