Beautiful sky this morning. They say, red in the morning, sailors take warning, red at night, sailors delight. I guess that means we’re in for another stormy patch. Well, if it gets us closer to spring, so be it.
Met up with some lovely friends yesterday…oh, so I was going to write “Saw some friends…” but realized it kind of sounded like I was using an implement on them to separate them into pieces…which is not at all what this is about, however there is a point to this paragraph. Anyway, I was asked “How are you?” which is a general interrogative statement and between good friends you are allowed to state the real deal. The skinny, if you will. My usual answer to most people, is “OKAY”, along with a smile. Last night, I was called out on this.
I realized that it was a codependent holdover that was designed to caretake the person asking. If they were having a less-than-stellar-day, they would feel comfortable sharing their feelings, and not thinking that they had to answer back in some glowing way, or match whatever I said.
Because I knew in my unrecovered past, if I asked someone how they were doing, and they said “great”, I would feel like I should say “great” too, especially if I felt like I didn’t want this person to think my life was anything but great, or didn’t feel comfortable sharing that my life was in flames, or felt that if I did share that I had issues, troubles, or something other than “great”, this person would be sorry they asked, and likey avoid me in the future.
Um, yeah. So, that’s why I am in recovery for life. Because I WAY overthink stuff like this. I would sometimes have the entire conversation in my head before it even happened. Ever do this? It sucks. Because really, we are only seeing it from our own twisted point of view. We can’t really know what the other person will think of what we’re saying, or how they’ll respond. Instead, I have to remember, it’s none of my business what other people think about me.
My business is to be honest. With God, with myself and with others as appropriate. I put the “as appropriate” in there, because we all know that person that is honest in a way that is brutal and self-serving. I don’t believe that is what recovery-based honesty is about. Recovery teaches us to live honestly, and to speak in an honest, but honoring way to others. That means if someone asks you at a meeting, or at church or somewhere else appropriate how you are, just say “doing well” or “having a hard time” or “doing better, thanks, and you?” Being authentic doesn’t mean blurting out every thing to everyone every moment of the day. There is a time and place. But it does mean we stop hiding. We stop glossing over with those we are supposed to trust. And yes, I know it’s hard, and it takes practice. But what we gain, is beautiful.
Much love, thank you for sticking with me on the journey, I’m doing well, thanks!