The sun was glorious over the clouds and pouring into my kitchen, for a moment. Then it ducked back behind the fluffy clouds. No rain for the moment.

Sometimes I dream about one of my friends that I lost in my relapse. I have written about her before, so I won’t rehash a whole bunch. But about once every couple months, I dream we face the amends process, walk through forgiveness and pick up our friendship again. Even though I have truly released this relationship to God in His care and timing as to whether that process is ever to happen, I have no control over what occurs in the dreamspace.

A close family member who is recovering from drug addiction has told me they sometimes still dream they are in the thick of using. They wake up very upset and it takes some doing to pull it down out of the rafters with respect to what is reality, that recovery is now their life and using was years ago. In small measure I feel like I can relate, because codependency is a dysfunction of the social structure, as chemical dependency is a dysfunction of the body using a substance (legal or not) to alter your reality. As a codependent, we seek to alter our reality by manipulation of our surroundings; that is, people and sometimes things. I joke in conversation with others in recovery that I never became an addict to substances because that would have interfered with my codependency (bah-dum-pah).

Many substance abuse addicts find after working their recovery for a while, they need to address underlying codependency issues. Which I find fascinating, from a (formerly) power-mad codependent point of view. I was totally as addicted to power, control, manipulation, gossip-mongering, jealousy, spite, resentment and a host of other ugly behaviors as much as someone could be addicted to coke, booze or meth. It just wasn’t going to land me in the pokey, unless I snapped and did something really awful to someone. Thankfully, somewhere deep-down, I knew my limits, and jail did not seem very appealing. Besides, why get into trouble for destroying the body when you could annihilate the heart and soul with a few well-placed jabs?

Yeah, I was a piece of work. That’s why I ended up in a heap at the walk-in on a Monday, and at a meeting that Friday. A complete wreck of a human. That’s what codependency can do to you. It wasn’t a drug, or something I ingested. It was the toxicity of my heart and soul. Thankfully, I was at the bottom and willing.

No longer at the bottom, but still willing, may I ever remain.

Much love.