Indifference

First day of a new year. Lovely, if not a bit chilly, but no rain so all’s good on this front. Active day wandering about and meeting up with family for a little mid-day diner action. Making spaghetti with veghetti noodles for company tonight, so that’s fun.

I have a good friend who is in recovery and I have watched how we have both moved through the same process in different ways, according to our temperaments and personalities. Also, our hearts respond and change at different rates to similar circumstances. It is fascinating to observe this. But, I cannot provide insight or opinion on someone elses program unless solicited, or unless we have a pre-arranged agreement that would allow such communication. However, once in a while, I cannot control what comes shooting out of my mouth.

Case in point:

I am hanging out with my friend, and they’re talking about someone else (not in recovery) who they are trying to catch up with, but the connection keeps “timing out”, that is, there is only feigned reciprocity by the other party. My friend, thinking the best, wants to continue the process of calling, texting and reaching out. I have come to understand in recovery that people who want to be in your life will make an effort to at least meet you half way. If they don’t, they really aren’t that interested and it’s probably best for me to move on and make better use of my energies elsewhere. So, without really stopping to edit myself, out of my mouth came “stop chasing them”. I immediately felt a little bit of remorse for the bluntness of my statement, but not for the intent.

Because my area of recovery is relationships. Bad, ugly, toxic, and even indifferent relationships that served only to affirm my poor self-esteem and did nothing to encourage or build me up. A LARGE part of my recovery had to do with realizing (and continuing to work on that realization) that I am a lovely, worthwhile person that has a lot to offer in any relationship, and that if someone isn’t seeing that, it’s not mine to fix, or convince or coax that person into wanting to be around me. It’s up to me to not give a fig about what others choose to think about me, just be the best me I can be, and move on.

In my relationships now, I love my friends, and part of loving them in recovery is sometimes stating the simple truth. Thankfully, my friend did not seem to take huge offense, though I may offer an amends later for my delivery.

Bottom line, we are fearfully and wonderfully made and not here on this earth to put on a dog and pony show or to chase after people to convince them how worthwhile we are. If we are struggling with this, maybe the real issue is with ourselves. And that’s a whole ‘nother bunch of entries. 😉

Wishing you the brightest of New Years. Love you guys!💗

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