A rather unremarkable day, other than the calendar marks it as the winter solstice. It was a bit frosty, with some sun and the sun went down pretty quickly, like it was being pursued by a pack of wild dogs. 🐶🐾
Today while I was getting ready for the day, I thought about some of the unfinished business in my life, relationships that hang like ellipses in a sentence.
When I entered recovery, hmmm, no I must start before then. I had some friendships that predated my recovery that did not go with me into recovery. For some, this was a function of necessity. There are some people who are a bit like trip wires in your process, or like pebbles in your shoe. You can’t make good progress with them still present in your life.
Others, well, I admit, I burned some bridges in some very long-term friendships because of poor behavior. In fact, if the shoe was on the other foot, it would be hard for me to be in relationship unless I too was in recovery and able to work through the hurts caused during that time period.
But every once and so often, some of these relationships pop up in my head, and feel like unfinished business. There are some pretty big, gaping holes left from that time, and the holes are slow to fill, like post holes in a field. They will over time start to grow over, but the earth is still missing. I want to text, send another email or get a message through to the person to let them know, again, how sorry I am and that I am ready with my amends.
Recovery says that this is not about me wanting to restore the relationship. In fact, it’s about me and God doing the business of dealing with the wreckage that I caused. This is not emotionally satisfying to my need for closure, to address the ellipses that are hanging there at the end of the matter. I miss the shared history that I have with no one else. I long to know how things are with them.
But for now, my wreckage remains a unpassable chasm that separates me from people who I care about. It is the consequence that I bear, that reminds me of how much I need my program and that the hearts of the people in my life precious. So, I remain a committed lifer to this process. I will fall, fail and sometimes disappoint people. But I now have the tools and means to admit my faults and make prompt amends when necessary. It’s how I roll.
Much love to y’all.