A little help…

Sunny and beautiful. Still considering my entire schedule today, and how productive I feel today. I am giving the gym a break after my grueling workout yesterday…my bones feel kinda joggly.

I continue to look for work, and continue to receive emails telling me that they are not interested in pursuing me for the position. It is becoming harder to apply for anything, honestly. I feel as though my skills have no use, other than this blog and the household administrative duties I perform. So yeah, I am struggling a bit today.

I know intellectually I need to spend more time in prayer, in the Word and maybe go sit and have coffee with a friend to get some perspective. When I feel this, it’s because I need to put more good things into my head and heart and that a lot of this has to do with the time of year, my internal make-up, and stuff that is external to me that I am trying to either avoid or control. But trying to get my heart to get in line with my head is a bit like trying to get a row boat to travel upstream in a strong current. I need help. We all need help sometimes, and knowing when to seek it is vital to a healthy recovery. Of course we needed help in the beginning, and to work our steps and our program. But what about as we go along? One of the verses we study as part of the accountability and sponsor lesson states:

…But pity anyone who falls
and has no one to help them up.
11 Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm.
But how can one keep warm alone?
12 Though one may be overpowered,
two can defend themselves.
A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.  Ecc 4:9-12

The bible is clear that we need each other in recovery. That by myself I am likely to lie in the dirt wounded and alone for a long time if I try and go it on my own. And I have actual life evidence to support this, because I spent 40-plus years as a christian going it alone and it was pretty awful. Certainly not the joy-filled experience God had planned for me. And anyone looking at my life would be wondering with good reason why I would want to continue following Christ if I was doing it in such a miserable, self-loathing fashion. I wondered myself, except I was actually kind of codependent in my faith, if you can imagine that.

I went to church, because I told myself that is what good christians do. I served, because…same reason. In fact, my entire life was pretty much about what I was supposed to do to be considered to be a good person, or at least acceptable. But I didn’t really talk to anyone about how I felt, or that I was stuffing my pain, not dealing and felt like a fraud. I put the shine on the apple, and showed up at church. I showed up at bible study. I showed up at choir practice. And I buried the pain I felt deeper.

Until one day, I just couldn’t contain the tears any longer. They would spill out at random, and I couldn’t explain myself. I began to rage at those I loved, because they didn’t know how to help me, and I didn’t know how to tell them what I needed, or even why I was angry. It got uglier until finally I was so low, I was not caring for myself enough to keep living. Recovery for me became life or death. Death to my old nature and way of being, and life to this new person. A person who can honestly admit wrongs, and can reach out for help when it’s needed. I don’t pretend with anyone, including God. Which was really stupid to begin with, but sometimes it’s just how it is.

I know there are a lot of us out there that cycle through this stuff. The best news we can hear is that we are not alone and that there are resources for us to get through it and be okay, and even better than okay. But, somedays, okay just has to be good enough.

Love you guys.

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