Tonight we may have our first frost of the season. I could feel it in the air as I got out of the car to come inside. The air was sharp and crisp. The moon, on the wane, hung low and yellow in the dark sky. Yup, I think it will be a frosty night alright.
I had an appointment with one of my treating providers and discussed my recent emotional issues. It’s not the usual for me to stay in a weepy space for an extended period of time. Looking over a food log that I had haphazardly been keeping over the last week, my issues were evident to the provider, in that I was not doing the greatest job of caring for myself.
Ummm….yeah. No kidding. I logged cookies, sweets, and lots and lots of carbs that were totally empty of any nutritional value. And it had taken a toll on me, body and mind. As in I kinda felt like I was losing it. Today I determined to put down some of these foods that really weren’t doing me any favors and stick with a more healthy approach. I am an absolute believer in “do what works for you” and that means what works for one person does not always work for someone else. I do, however, use a yardstick to measure myself against my own past history.
How have I felt when I have been closer to compliant with good eating? Balanced, at peace and generally I have more energy. But then my rebellious self takes over and says “screw that noise” and I grab the nearest bunch of sugar or starch I can find and cram it in my mouth. This is done out of defiance. It says to my mother (who is long gone) that she can no longer control me or my eating habits. It says to my judgmental high school acquaintances you will not have any power over me by your rejection of who I am because I am too heavy to look like everyone else. It is an act of flipping the bird at everyone and everything that ever made me angry and that I felt powerless to speak out against. So, yeah, the very definition of an eating disorder. Using food as anything other than fuel in a very dysfunctional and destructive way.
I have all this as head knowledge, but my emotions are sometimes too overwhelming and I still catch myself grabbing a treat in secret, overindulging in a food that is delicious but known to cause me ill effects. This is why I need my recovery so badly. I need to walk through, over and over the emotions and fears of these events and actions so that they can finally be put to rest, at the foot of the cross.
So, tonight, I go to bed a little cold, because there are really no carbs in me to warm me up right now, no sugar either. But that’s okay. I am working just for today on bringing my desires and passions into the recovery space, where I submit them willingly to God.