Took birthday gifts to some special people in my life, and spent time in a new garden, discussing the plants with the new owner. It was a somewhat cloudy but pleasant day and I came away with some lovely clippings that are now gracing my dining room table.
Yesterday evening was not an easy one. I spent most of it in fervent prayer, asking what my next steps in recovery should be. I have felt a little stuck lately. Stuck in sorrow and sadness. Feeling like my life was just drifting from one day into another. The weighty feeling of no real excitement or joy, just knowing that I had to keep going. So to God I went, with my cares and despairs in my hands, and little else.
The impression I came away with was pretty clear; I needed to start spending my mornings with Him, alone, letting Him do the talking, instead of my incessant droning about my sad little life. Nothing would change until I gave Him the opportunity to speak into me.
So, the next morning, I got up, brushed my teeth, washed my face and grabbed my old prayer journal. I prayed just a little, telling God I was ready with pen in hand, for Him to reveal my situation. Bam! It didn’t take long before I had my answer.
As I began to write what God was impressing upon me, He revealed that I had become immersed and addicted to sorrow. Since the passing of a close family member, my spouse and other family members have been quite sad. I deal with grief differently, and tend to cycle through sadness, not usually staying sad. But sadness has permeated my environment for awhile now, and with losing my job and not finding another, it has now become a habit, just like smoking or drinking. Something that beckons me like a comfortable ratty old blanket (my kids used to call them blankies). I can wrap up in it, and it obscures life as it really is, with it’s colors and opportunities. Instead, it becomes gray, drab and dreary, something to be endured, with no joy, no laughter. I can use it as an excuse for all sorts of unhealthy isolating behaviors. It leads me into the land of somatic dysfunction. Everything seems to hurt and I always feel as though I am on the verge of coming down with something.
But now that God has shown the flashlight of His discernment upon my newly acquired habit, it is up to me to start working the steps to dig out of the hole I have fallen into. I began today by talking with my accountability partners about the problem, and coming up with some ideas. Next, will be some short-term goals and action plans, and folks to keep me accountable to these. It is hard to admit that something like this could kick me in the teeth this hard, but, I am a fallible human walking in a broken world. I am going to have problems. I don’t have it all figured out, and this blog is about being real, and not pretending like I am fixed or all better now. Nope, nope, nope. This is about the journey. Recovery is NOT a destination, it is a process.
My time with God ended this morning with His encouragement that we were created for joy, not just survival. After refreshing ourselves in prayer and meditation, let us fling off the ratty old blanket, open our recovery tool box and get going.
Wherever you are on your journey, I wish you love tonight, and grace and peace to all of us.