Sometimes, you just have to write. I cannot sleep, so out it must come.
As a card-carrying codependent, I struggle with the notion of taking on what is not mine to manage. Seeing a far-off circus with monkeys and elephants and chasing after it, thinking I need to somehow manage that.
My word picture right now is that there is a long, formal table with many table settings. And I am trying to sit down to a table setting that is not mine. It is large and elaborate. It confuses and bewilders me as I try to figure out how to gain control of the objects. I see it continue to change shape, like I am in some kind of carnival fun house, but this is really no fun. A small voice whispers in my ear that this is not my place at the table. I can get up and go to the place setting with my name on it at any time.
So, I stand, push the chair back to the table and proceed to my place setting. It is small but sparkling blue and white. It has a few well-intentioned pieces, but looks like it’s missing some too. The small voice says that I can build on this, and that it’s okay to sit and study where I’m at, without concern for quick decisions. Settling in, I notice the seat fits perfectly, and I no longer feel anxious or uneasy. Instead, I begin to look at what’s in front of me, paying careful attention to the necessary, disregarding the commotion around me. This is how I see my recovery from codependency at this time.
I know that to continue forward in my journey toward wholeness it will take a lot of God and a lot of faith. So I place my hope in Him, who is so gracious to me, and will be with me every step of the way.
Well, must try and sleep some. But it was good to get this out and onto paper? Screen? Hmmm, well whatever we’re calling the blog-sphere these days.
Hugs to y’all.