Today was tough.
I didn’t hide, though. I didn’t dodge or duck. I walked with intention forward into situations and conversations that I would have rather avoided like the plague. But that doesn’t make them go away. And that’s not recovery.
Recovery is about walking my talk. It’s about truly owning step 1, the fact that:
We admitted we were powerless over our addiction – that our lives had become unmanageable.
Our addiction can be to substances, people, actions…the list is as numerous as kinds of people in this world. But the ongoing and universal truth is that our lives become a wreak of sorts, due to the issue that continues to rear it’s ugly head. When we admit powerlessness over it, we are ready to move forward. But if I can’t see my issue, or don’t think it is an issue, I remain stuck at “We”.
I have to be willing to admit. I have to be ready to be open and vulnerable enough with myself and others to examine this brokenness, regardless of the cost. Because if I am not, I will remain trapped in a prison of doubt and fear, hiding with dread because deep down, I know I am suffering, but I am too afraid to face it. I am working on facing my fears and admitting my addiction to control behaviors, which is defined by some as codependency. It plays itself out in some ways as behaviors that are physically destructive to me. These are things that I willingly submit to my accountability partners to keep me in check. I cannot do this myself. I am grateful for their involvement in my life.
I also stay in group life and prayer and meditation. This helps to also keep me grounded. This is just about walking the talk. Anyone can talk a good game, read a few books and look good. Pop the hood, what’s going on underneath? Are you digging deep? Letting the hardest stuff be dug out? Allowing the healing to take place? I want that complete healing. I don’t want to cover it over with a layer of beauty bark and pansys. Real recovery for this girl.
Much love to you all. Buckle in, it may get bumpy from here.