I love to judge how my life and my recovery are going by how smoothly things are in my life. How sweetly things proceed along in my day-to-day rhythm of being. No conflict, no upset of any kind, and I get the feeling that I am doing it all right, and that things will remain ducky if I just keep my feet to the path and don’t turn my head right or left.
Well, that is a great idea if you are a writer of fiction, or songs or maybe a half-hour TV sitcom. But I keep hearing in the back of my head that smooth waters never made a skillful sailor. And that the deeper issues of my recovery are revealed in times of harder going, when the way is less sure and the road ahead is obscured by branches, fog or other obstacles.
God is looking for my faithfulness in the midst of this ambiguity. He wants to know if I will reach out to use the tools, call my peeps and keep my heart open to where He leads. Or, will I curl up in a ball in the victims corner with arms crossed with angry tears, waiting for the world to come crawling with it’s apologies for having done me wrong. I have done both. And I will say, the corner is a crowded, yet lonely place to wait until God’s love breaks through my denial and resentment. I prefer to skip the corner, and reach out. That way, I can start feeling better right away, and get my sisters involved in my healing, as they would involve me in theirs. We heal better together.
So very grateful for God, my recovery, and for my peeps. Also grateful that I can roll out of bed at 12:45 am and write as the spirit leads. Because sometimes it just has to come forth that way. And as a wise person further down the road than I once said, “nothing is the end of the world, except the end of the world”.