Fall continues to push into the landscape and with it the leaves are a bright yellow and red, the air is getting a little more nippy and there is a little less daylight to enjoy.
I decided that I needed a change, so I made an impromptu visit to the hair salon for an updated look that had me looking a little perkier and chipper. though a lot of feelings on the inside are less so. But I know there is something to be said for fixing up a little to pull your spirits up and move you in the right direction.
I think what I struggle most with in relationships in general is how to stay my own independent person. Not to become enmeshed, whether it is with family or friends. I saw it modeled for me time and again by older family members as I was growing up, that as you grow older your life revolves around those closest to you. Needless to say, this is not recovery, nor does it resemble anything healthy in an adult relationship. The desire to have all of you and your attention and for everything to be okay 100% of the time is really sick thinking. But my family of origin did it with gusto.
You see, most of my growing up years, I slept with one eye open, because I never knew what would happen next. The adults in my life acted in their own best interest and I was an attachment. I fended for myself but emotionally chased after a stability that, time after time proved to be a mirage.
As a result, my roots are quite shallow, so my branches stay close to the ground, lest a heavy wind come and rip me from the soil. Part of me is, at times a little envious of deep-rooted trees that reach toward the heavens.
These are the chains that I work to break. The work is ongoing and exhausting. Because somewhere inside, there is a little person that wanders about, looking lost and wanting someone to tell her everything will be okay and that she can rest easy.
Now, I pursue recovery from codependency and PTSD-symptoms from my past unstable home life. My body still reacts before my mind gets an opportunity to respond sometimes, and just kind of goes into lock-down. This is when my recovery become mission-critical. Without it, I take handfuls of prescribed pills and become just like those who I watched growing up. So, the choice is mine. It always is. Recovery is intentional. It is not an accident, it is not coerced or coaxed. It is a function of the free will. Because I value who I am as a human being and someone precious in God’s sight, I choose my recovery and life over hiding out and fear. I may still feel fear, anger, sadness, happiness, whatever. But I don’t have to fixate on any one emotion or feeling and let that define who I am.
So grateful to share this with y’all this evening. I appreciate that you continue to read and consider this blog. It is just me, what I am about and my journey. And if any of this resonates with you at all, please consider joining a group and get started journaling. It does help. Truly.
Sweet dreams dear ones.