It is a beautiful, blue-sky day. There is a light breeze blowing through the car window as I sit here typing on the laptop, enjoying some free hot-spot action in a nearby town. There is some lovely nuevo-flamenco playing in the CD Player and I am pulled back to events several years ago.
You see, when I decided to neglect my personal recovery, my spiritual relationship with God and forsake any kind of personal accountability, I became like one of those cave explorers that goes in to the cave without any kind of safety measures. No light, no compass and no guide or experienced buddy to keep me from making a wrong step that could prove disastrous in extreme conditions. Nope, at that time, I’d had it with everyone and was going to do things my way and couldn’t have cared less what anyone thought about it.
I reveled (for the moment) in the freedom of feeling cut loose from everything. But much like someone who discovers they have jumped from the plane without their parachute, I soon regretted my choices and had very real consequences to face for those decisions. Though I have since made the amends that I am able to for that period of time, the wreckage that remains continues to cause me sorrow.
That’s the funny thing about wreckage, we can go through recovery, do everything in our power right, but in the end, it is what it is, and we really only have today. We can’t erase the pain of the past, we can only turn from the behaviors that caused it. There is no guarantee that I can convince someone that I am not who I was, that I am changed. I can show it in my behaviors, I can express it every way I know how, but in the end, it is their choice to accept my amends and change, or not. There are a good number of people out there who believe there are no second chances, and they have their reasons. It is not for those of us that have caused the hurt to convince those people that they should reconsider, only be ready, with the proper attitude of humility and amends should the opportunity to present the amends be afforded.
So that’s my thoughts for the moment. Have a lovely afternoon, my friends.