Day 1: Spent a sleepless night thinking about starting this journey with myself and taking responsibility to blog it as well. Ugh. Well, off to a roaring start, after 2 shots of straight espresso with fat-free half and half (yes, they make such a thing) and off I go to a yoga class at a gym I joined last winter. Let me set a little of the background here …mind you, I have been going to the gym 1-2x a week to sit on the recumbent bike and pedal while face booking and listening to talk radio, but that was not really doing me a whole lotta good. I found this out when I got winded walking from the parking lot to the beach to meet up with my daughter last week. Also, my feet have begun to swell again, and so it is time for me to quit with the excuses (of which I have plenty) and git it in gear.
I have been reading the Big Book and been placing the word LAZY in where it says alcoholic. My body has always rebelled against exercise in all its forms. I got notes to get out of PE in Jr high from my mom and grandma, even though I played tennis competitively. But that was fun, PE wasn’t. I think it’s because I really hate pain. I will do almost anything to avoid it. I also get bored very easily and will look at food as a distraction and an activity instead of nutrition to keep me going. I hated running and sweating and pushing my body to do things that were uncomfortable. Still do, but now I don’t have the advantage of youth to pull me through. So, I went to said yoga class and found that my ligaments were tighter than a violin string and that I could barely accomplish any of the stretches at all due to lack of flexibility. This was due to lack of activity and motivation on my part to get involved in an active lifestyle.
And so now here we are, at day one. I am going to resist the urge to beat myself mercilessly for anything on this, but will hold myself accountable for my actions or lack thereof. Mostly, my plan is to do something active everyday (gym class, walking, hiking…) and change my eating habits (no random sugar excursions, double portions or other nonsense).
Right now, I am pushing through an informal detox of sorts to reset my system so these changes will be a little easier. I have paid all kinds of money for all kinds of programs, some more successful than others, but at the end of the day, short of chaining me to a wall, no program will be a success in saving me from myself. There are no shortcuts, I must take the steps and admit my powerlessness over my laziness to do anything about my fitness and my food. I’m done becoming angry, indignant and self-pitying over my body image/fitness issues. Fear is at the root of all of this, because of the issues I journeyed through as a child. I was never sure I could be good enough, clever enough, just…enough. So I took on everything and looked at the avoidance of more discomfort as something a could control and the over indulgence of food and eating non-nutritious items as something owed to me as someone who had suffered much. It became my way to show the world I was angry and disappointed because I did not have the tools to show my feelings appropriately.
I now have other choices I can make, but dealing with any overwriting the disk space on the old information is difficult. I requires I look these issues in the eye without flinching or running (or casually walking, because hey, I don’t want to break a sweat, right?) out of the room for a snack to calm me down. This is why we are at square one. Day one, and a long entry at that…most of these entries will not be this long. Some may be one sentence.
I lean on my higher power, Jesus Christ as my rock on which I will build this from the ground up. A healthier, more grounded me, that can smile at the mirror at the end of the day, no matter what I look like, and be content. Breathe in, breathe out, and…step.